I was so relieved to find out that not only did what I was experiencing have a name, but I was definitely not alone in experiencing what I was. I was put on some medication, and I was just so grateful that there was a way to treat this. I knew it wasn't going to easy, but I could get through it. Life went on but I found that every day I got more anxious and I went from having a panic attack occasionally to having one or two a day. I began to start questioning if I really could finish my mission or not but I realized that this was definitively a decision that I could not make alone. I started praying more than I ever had in my entire life, pleading with the Lord to let me know what he wanted me to do. Because I knew that this was definitely not my mission, it was the Lord's mission and he was touching the lives of his children through me. If he needed me to stay I was going to fight to stay, and if he wanted me to return home to sort out my health problems I would do that to. After weeks of praying I read a devotional by Elder Kevin W. Pearson that changed the way I thought about things he said, "Prayer is not a negotiation process. It is an alignment process. We don't move God to our point of view. Prayer is less about changing our circumstances and more about changing us." With this quote in mind I knelt once more to pray and just poured out everything I was feeling to my Heavenly Father, all the frustration, heartache and fear that I was experiencing. I knew he knew what was going on with me, but he wanted to hear it directly from me. And just as I started to ask what his will was for me I got an answer that surprised me the words came into my mind, "Sister Drake, it doesn't matter." And suddenly it realized it didn't matter if I stayed on my mission or if I went home, what mattered is that I found ways to serve and love the Lord for the rest of my life. After meeting once again with my counselor I decided, and he recommended, that the best decision for my health would be to return home. It wasn't a decision I made lightly it was something that came after weeks of prayer, counseling with the Lord, my mission President, parents and doctors. My last day as a missionary I got to see the Hill Cumorah Pagent, and on July 9th, 2016 I boarded a plane to head home. I was excited to see my family, but at the same time I didn't want to leave. That day was one of the hardest days of my whole life, taking off my name tag was incredibly incredibly difficult. I still to this day absentmindedly check to see if its still there, and then it's hard when I realize it's not. I am still struggling with my mental illness, I did not see coming home as a quick fix in any way. I am fighting an uphill battle, but I know the Lord is on my side and with him I can do anything.
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